


The Ultimate BAMFs

by vix_spes



Series: Who Says Double-0's Have All The Fun [1]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), James Bond - All Media Types, SPECTRE (2015), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: BAMFs, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 01:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6065085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vix_spes/pseuds/vix_spes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody always underestimates both Q and Bill Tanner, and James Bond is one of them...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ultimate BAMFs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mightypretty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightypretty/gifts).



> Written for the truly fabulous mightypretty both as a belated birthday present and also a get well soon gift!

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly. Would you like to repeat yourself?” Bond bared his teeth in a menacing grin, feeling grim pleasure as minion #2 blanched as white as a sheet and genuinely whimpered.

“Umm, well, umm, that is to say, well. TheQuartermasterandTannerarebothmissing.”

Bond swung round to glare at minion #4 – the one who owned far too many Pokémon t-shirts for an employed adult – noticing as he did so that minions #1 and 3 were hiding behind pieces of furniture and #5 – the one who had first told Bond – was now rocking back and forth in the corner.

“That’s what I thought you said. Now, would you kindly tell me how. The fuck. It. Happened.”

“I’d be interested in hearing this explanation as well.”

Minion #2 outright passed out at Mallory’s appearance but Bond totally disregarded her as he turned his head to greet the man. “M. I take it you didn’t know anything about this?”

“Absolutely not. First thing I heard of it was when Miss Moneypenny came to get me out of my meetings; I’ve been listening to the PM witter on all day about how exorbitant the costs of the double-0 programme are. Now, you, yes you the one in the frankly ridiculous t-shirt, explain precisely what has happened. Honestly, doesn’t Q implement any sort of dress code down here?”

When there was no explanation forthcoming, M arched a somewhat imperious eyebrow. “Well? If you don’t start talking this second, I’m giving you to the double-0’s for target practice.”

At his words, the minions were pretty much falling over themselves to talk and, even with them all talking over each other, Bond and Mallory had managed to get the jist of things. Tanner and Q had left that morning for a meeting with their MI5 counterparts but they had never made it to the meeting. Somewhere between Vauxhall and Thames House, they had disappeared.

By the time that the minions had finally fallen silent, Bond was absolutely furious and, judging from the tic in his forehead, Mallory was no better. He couldn’t believe that they – whoever they were – had had the audacity to kidnap two MI6 executives in broad daylight and not just any two executives either. The two of them were, with the exception of M, undoubtedly MI6’s most important and most valuable employees. There wasn’t anything about the inner workings of MI6, its agents and its missions that they didn’t know. Depending on who had taken them, it could be immensely detrimental for the SIS.

Bond was also struggling on a personal level. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would term what he had with Q but he certainly had something. Something that he liked a lot and that he didn't want to end. When Bond was in London, it consisted of dinners out at places ranging from 5* restaurants to obscure hole in the wall places, odd evenings at the theatre and copious amounts of bloody fantastic sex. Occasionally, when he could be dragged away from work, Tanner would join them and they would spend the evening in some dive of a pub drinking far too much and wiping the floor with the rest of the clientele at darts. When Bond was away on missions, they were pure professionalism. Most of the time. If Q was on the comms (which he usually was as Bond insisted on it), then there was inevitably huge amounts of sarcastic commentary combined with an inordinate amount of flirting interspersed with the odd bit of barely appropriate sexual innuendo. Bond still slept with women and enjoyed it but nowhere near as much he enjoyed sleeping with Q.

Then again, who would have thought the skinny, geeky bespectacled Quartermaster would take the title of best lover Bond had ever had? Bond had never had anyone quite like him but, then again, Q was very much one of a kind. Bond had taken him dancing (something that Bond had every intention of repeating) and had watched as Q had turned into this writhing mass of limbs, losing himself in the music, dancing as though no-one was watching. He was utterly oblivious to the attention that he drew, to the fact that other people could be interested in him. Bond had barely been able to restrain himself and it was only the intense need that no-one else see Q as he did that he had managed to wait until he had got Q inside one of the toilet cubicles.

In bed, Q was Bond’s favourite type of lover; vocal, responsive and quite without inhibitions. Both Bond and Q had a bit of a kinky streak that they indulged in when they had the opportunity. Of course, it had gotten them into trouble on several occasions, most recently when they had been caught having phone sex while Bond was on a mission by the current Minister of Defence. Both Bond and Q had been unrepentant but, in Bond’s defence, Q had a mouth made for sex whether said mouth was wrapped around Bond’s cock or uttering some of the filthiest things that Bond had ever heard.

All in all, Bond had what was pretty much a perfect setup and he didn't want it disturbed, especially by whatever idiots had decided to kidnap Q and Tanner on home turf. He had only just got back from a mission; this was not the homecoming that he had envisioned. He had had plans for his return which had basically consisted of dragging his lover away to feed him a stupidly expensive meal then locking then both in his flat for at least 24 hours of sex. Hopefully more as he had successfully managed to bring all of his equipment back with him. He hadn't planned on having to rescue said lover before being able to put his plan into action. Feeling his fingers itching for his gun, Bond looked enquiringly at M, having the feeling that the man was going to want to be personally involved with this one.

“Sir? Your orders?”

“Yes. You lot,” M pointed at the assorted minions, “do what we pay you for. Activate the tracking chips in Q and Tanner – they shouldn’t have found the sub-dermals yet – and go through the CCTV with a fine toothcomb. God knows why you haven’t done it already. Moneypenny, cancel all of my meetings for the rest of the day and fetch my gun from my desk drawer. 007, put a team together. I want every single double-0 on British soil ready for briefing in an hour and, for fuck’s sake, will someone find R!”

 

~*~

An hour later, the crème de la crème of MI6 gathered outside an abandoned warehouse on an East London industrial estate. Bond had gathered together the four double-0’s that were currently off-mission so, with himself and Mallory, they made a team of six. All of them were decked out in black tactical gear – even M, who had left his suit behind – and armed to the teeth, ready to do whatever was necessary to get Q and Tanner back. Just as M started to issue last minute orders, telling them that securing Q and Tanner was the primary objective and that, if necessary, they were to shoot to kill they heard an unexpected sound. All of them swung around to look at Moneypenny as she stifled a snort of laughter only to stare incredulously as they realised what she was doing.

“Moneypenny, are you filming this?” Bond’s voice was perfectly calm yet held that deadly tone that promised serious amounts of drawn out pain for the recipient if he didn’t like their answer.

Moneypenny was either oblivious or uncaring as she blithely continued filming, answering him almost absent-mindedly, “Of course I’m filming it. Do you honestly think I’m going to miss out on this opportunity?”

“Miss Moneypenny, considering how serious this situation is and considering that the two victims are not only your colleagues but also your friends, do you not think that a bit of concern and professionalism would be more appropriate?”

Either Moneypenny had more balls than Bond remembered or she’d taken a recent blow to the head because she laughed, actually laughed, at Mallory. “The two of you have no idea, do you? In which case I’m definitely filming this.”

Almost as soon as Moneypenny had stopped talking, the sound of gunfire ripped through the silence and the whole team sprang into action. Any previously planned subtlety was abandoned as they headed for the nearest entrance, drawing their weapons as they ran, Moneypenny easily keeping up with them despite her stilettos, gun in one hand and phone in the other.

None of them were prepared for the sight that greeted them. They were honestly expecting to find Q and Tanner dead. That amount of gunfire, how could they not be? Bond’s heart was in his mouth, petrified that he was going to lose someone else important to him. What they weren’t expecting to find was total carnage with Q and Tanner responsible for all of it.

Whoever had kidnapped Q and Tanner had obviously had major plans as the warehouse had been set up with a large bank of computers at one end. There were two abandoned chairs tipped over on their sides in the centre of the room surrounded by bodies; far more bodies than the two that they had been expecting. The MI6 team stopped in the doorway, staring in amazement as they scanned the bodies for their colleagues, finally finding them by the bank of monitors in the same position that they could often be found in Q-branch; Q seated in front of a computer typing away while Tanner leaned against the desk looking over his shoulder. Tanner had even managed to find a beer from somewhere.

And then, from out of nowhere, two more men appeared from the shadows, clearly intent on killing the two of them. Before the MI6 team had a chance to fire even a bullet, Tanner had despatched one of them in a move utilising the beer bottle that Bond made a mental note to ask Tanner to teach him, while Q shot the other continuing to type with one hand as he did so. Equal parts impressed and amazed, Bond wasn’t afraid to admit that he was also more than a little turned on.

“And done.”

Bond watched, utterly dumbstruck, as Q finished typing something with a pleased look on his face and walked towards him, stepping over bodies as he did so with Tanner following close behind. Seemingly not caring about the other people surrounding them, as soon as Q got within touching distance, he was giving Bond a truly filthy kiss. One that had Bond forgetting where they were and who they were with, one where he couldn’t help the moan that escaped him as Q pulled away. Bond barely had time to register the look on Q’s face, the wicked little smirk that Bond loved and promised so many naughty delights, before Q was talking.

“I think I understand this post-mission high thing you’re always talking about James. M, I won’t be in for the next three days and neither will 007.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you would prefer to comment on LJ, you can do so [here](http://vix-spes.livejournal.com/234862.html)


End file.
